


"Selfish" is not a dirty word

by DrarryMalecSolangelo



Series: Sanders Sides One Shots [7]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but his boyfriend is there to remind him that taking care of himself is not only okay but necessary, except they're boyfriends :'), happens right after pof, patton is Sad and Overwhelmed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrarryMalecSolangelo/pseuds/DrarryMalecSolangelo
Summary: After Patton left Thomas with Janus, he went back to his room; he didn't have the energy to keep pretending he was strong anymore. But, fortunately, Janus is there to remind him that there's nothing wrong with taking care of himself.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides One Shots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011990
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	"Selfish" is not a dirty word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Moceit_OnAO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moceit_OnAO3/gifts).



> TW: a lot of self-hate and a little bit of crying. Please tell me if you want me to add anything else.  
> I hope you like it!

“Janus?” Patton asked tentatively.

“I’ll take care of him.” 

With just a second of hesitation, a small sad smile on his lips, Morality sank out. He trusted the other side would keep his word. He knew he would.

When he rose into his room, he let his guards down just the tiniest bit; he had no energy left to pretend anymore, but he knew Janus would be there soon. It took every single drop of willpower he was able to muster to take the steps forward needed to reach his bed, and once there, he could only manage to fall into it gracelessly. He was too tired to try harder, too stressed to think properly, too worried to rest, but felt too empty to care.

His earlier guesses were proven correct when, just a minute after that, the side known as Deceit appeared next to his bed.

He stayed in silence for a few seconds, just looking at Patton.

"Today was rough," he finally said, smiling weakly in sympathy. His boyfriend tiredly met his eyes. He didn't say a word. He didn't need to.

Janus sighed and sat on the bed, allowing Patton to rest his head in his lap. He took off his gloves quietly and then caressed his boyfriend's cheek softly, intending to show as much love and support as physically possible.

"It's going to be okay, honey."

Patton's unfocused eyes only allowed him to see the memory of Roman's betrayed- heartbroken- expression.

"Is it?"

Janus felt his heart break a little further.

"It is."

But Patton could only remember himself telling Roman those same words less than half an hour ago.

He hadn’t been sure that they were true, but it made him feel useful, and also in control of the situation. It helped him pretend things were actually okay.

God, was he really that selfish?

Because Patton knew he had failed the twin, and selfish nice words couldn’t fix that. He had allowed things to get out of hand the moment his decisions were rightly questioned. He couldn't even do his job right, could he? He harmed others because of it. He had hurt Logan, Roman, Janus, and Thomas. All because he was rendered useless by the feelings constantly welling up inside of him. He shouldn't let them get in the way, ever, no matter how overwhelming they felt.

"I should have tried harder."

Janus closed his eyes for a second, a soft sigh escaping his lips. "You did everything just right, darling."

His boyfriend was wrong. If he hadn't been so focused on his own feelings and had instead simply answered the questions presented to him, everyone would be okay. He should have had the answers all along. It was his only job, and he was doing it all wrong.

"You and I both know that's not true, Janus."

Because Patton was well aware of the good points he had done during the video. It was true that he hadn't been harsh about them- he had been the one to, ironically enough, show them the truth. It indicated that he wasn't doing everything right. 

It was the opposite, actually.

He had faced the situation as he usually did; with jokes. He vaguely remembered one of them, something about croaking, he recalled, but it didn’t really matter. It was simply his first instinct. Pretend the situation doesn’t affect him as much as it does by making it less serious.

Janus interrupted his train of thought. Patton thought that maybe he did it on purpose.

"Have I ever lied to you?" he asked, but didn't wait for an answer before speaking again. "I'm aware of the name your friends gave me, and I know I'm not exactly famous for my truthfulness, but I know we can't have true love if the relationship isn't built on truth, and I love you." Janus stopped, struggling to find the right words. 

Patton felt his eyes water, but he felt numb. Why was he about to cry?

"Look, " Janus continued, stroking Patton's cheek again and wiping away a stray tear, "I have a tendency to manipulate and deceive people; we all know that. But you know the objective is always self-preservation. And you? I recognize you're lying to yourself. You're always saying you're alright and happy, saying that things don't affect you, but I see those statements as what they are, Patton: lies.”

He knew it was true. He always did that, and he was well aware of it, but he was meant to. He needed to show others that everything was alright, or at least that they would be, eventually. That’s why he had smiled at Thomas before leaving, and why he had allowed a chuckle to escape him after apologizing. No matter how sad or humorless they had seemed, they helped Patton pretend. 

If Logan were there, he would say that repression had become his coping mechanism.

But he wasn't there; Janus was, and he cared more about assuring him that it was okay for him to do what he needed to stay sane even if it wasn't beneficial for others.

“When I say you did everything just the right way, I mean it," he said. "Doing things right isn’t being perfect. On the contrary; it means you saw what you were doing wrong, acknowledged it, and looked for ways to make things right. You recognized you were being too strict, apologized to Thomas and now you're looking for ways to improve. That's doing things the right way, darling."

"I don't think so," Patton replied weakly, displaying a sad smile once more. "Even if I'm doing things right, I could do better.  _ You _ deserve someone who can do better."

Janus moved his hand from his cheek briefly and pushed a strand of hair out of Patton's eyes.

"I'm quoting you here: imperfections don't make you any less worthy of love. That also applies to you, Patton."

There was a moment of silence. 

Janus was right. 

"So I'm just supposed to ignore others' needs?” he asked slowly. “Isn't that selfish?"

"No, honey. You're allowed to take care of yourself. You  _ should _ do it. And, if this motivates you, the better you feel, the more you can help others feel the same way. But, Patton… you need to unlearn that 'selfish' is a dirty word; your needs are just as important as everyone else's."

Patton's eyes cleared for the first time as he looked up at Janus. There was not a hint of deception or malice in his features, just pure unabashed love, as was always the case.

"Will you help me get better at it?" he asked in a small voice.

Janus leaned down and pressed a long kiss to his forehead.

"Always."

Calming words. A joke. A smile. A chuckle.

With Janus’ help, they would become less and less fake over time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! ♡


End file.
